Friday, July 11, 2003
It has occurred to me that, gosh, I'm probably depressed. (When I said this to J., he responded with a polite equivalent of "Well, duh!") What finally tipped me off was that I have almost no appetite. I've had the feeling before, I just didn't put the name to it. I figured "loss of appetite" meant that you weren't hungry. And I've spent a lot of time over the past few weeks being very hungry. I just haven't felt the desire to do anything about it. And that, apparently, is what "appetite" actually is. (After figuring this out last night, I still didn't eat anything.)
Of course, loss of appetite has the pleasant side effect of loss of weight. I'm down 21 pounds since January 1; for the first month or so I was on a diet, but then I stopped making an effort. My clothes fit better, and I am particularly pleased with the reappearance of my collarbones.
But anyway. Depressed. I just saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday, and said I was doing fine, and I thought I was. But last night I started thinking that maybe the reason I felt fine was that I was just accustomed to, well, being depressed. My life is completely blah, but it doesn't occur to me to change it. I wake up, I sometimes have breakfast, I go to work, I go home, I sometimes have dinner, I watch TV or do crossword puzzles or read, I go to bed, da capo. On weekends I sleep till noon or so, sometimes eat something, watch TV or do crossword puzzles or read, go to bed... My major social interactions are being at work and being on-line; and since my boss has cracked down on Internet use at work, I've lost one of them. (Yeah, I could do it at home, but that requires too much initiative.)
So. I should probably do something, right? I guess I'll call my psychiatrist and say "Um, you know, I'm not so fine after all." (Unfortunately, my therapist is on vacation next week.) Talking about it with J. has helped a great deal, if only in making me recognize the symptoms and think about doing something.
Yep, I'm just a big barrel of cheer today. Well, I'd better eat lunch and get back to work, since my half-hour of approved Internet use is almost over.
[ at 11:53 AM • by Abby • permalink • ]